I’m an 18-year-old girl, and I’m affected by homophobia. Because, no matter how much I am pro the right to love, this society and this culture (not necessarily just Lebanese by the way; let’s not over-glorify the Western culture, no matter how many LGBT characters they include in their drama TV-series) has instilled in me not a hatred, but just a general discomfort around any member of the LGBT community. It’s almost like I’m okay with it at a distance.
Before you judge me, let’s face it, many, many socio-psychological studies have shown that we underestimate how racist, or in this case, how homophobic, we really are.
But this deeply rooted homophobia makes me suffer. It makes me suffer between me and myself, and threw me into a whirlwind of depression and panic disorder when speculating about my own sexuality (still too afraid to venture back into those questions.) And it made me suffer with anxiety trying to rationalise that it’s okay if my brother may be gay, while social constructs cause this to be one of my biggest fears.
I am a sufferer of homophobia, in that it has crawled into every crevice of my life and infected me since childhood, and I struggle everyday to get out of it.
I promise you all that I am trying.