It does get better

It was back when I was fourteen years old. I had just discovered who I am and who I was attracted to. I had just discovered that I was gay. Living in lebanon didn’t spare me the homophobic people. They were everywhere, constantly rumbling about the sinful road some of us “chose” to take. I was fourteen, I was weak, I was practically a child; and I let every single homophobic comment get to me. I let words bring me down and tear me inside and out. I let them make me feel unwanted and unloved, and worst of all abnormal. Back then, homophobia destroyed every inch of me. I hated myself to the core. I got through each day with a heavy heart, frightened of what will become of me. Until that one night came. I remember every small detail of that night, how I felt sick about myself, how I wanted to puke whenever I looked in the mirror. I remember how tired and how weak I felt. That was the night when decided that I couldn’t go on with my life anymore. I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom crying silently. I remember the sharp tool. I remember the desire of slashing each wrist.

I thought how everybody will find me in the morning. Dead. And at that moment everything changed. That was when I gathered every bit of strength left in my body, picked myself up and decided that this isn’t the way my story will end. In a fraction of a minute, I turned 180 degrees. I don’t know what happened exactly, but I was kind of thinking clearly again. I felt stronger than all the hell people gave me without even noticing. I was stronger than all the hurtful words that felt like knives piercing though my stomach. I was stronger than homophobia. That was a changing point in my life, homophobia had blackened my consious for far too long and that was the moment when I had decided that it has to stop getting to me.

The next morning, I woke up with a strong will to live. I really felt like I was a fighter.
And now when I look back at those dark memories that never fail to find me, I am glad that I didn’t let homophobia take away my life, because right now I can honestly say that I am happy and that I won’t give up fighting for my rights. At the bottom of my heart, I feel that someday, near in the future, homophobia will be eradicated. I highly believe that someday we -the lgbt community- will make a difference in the world. No matter how cheesy this sentence is, I just want to tell you all that “It gets better”. Never stop fighting. Never.

– Charlie


About Raynbow Blog

Raynbow is a nonprofit group that raises awareness and funds to support the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) movement in Lebanon. The Lebanese LGBT Media Monitor is a project by Raynbow to raise awareness and keep you informed about the latest developments from the LGBT community in Lebanon. Our online store: Our blog: Our Facebook Page: Our Twitter handle @LebLGBTmonitor
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