Immorality and Homosexuality

I was raised in a conservative family, not the kind to go to church every day or pray day and night but the kind that didn’t approve of nudity or homosexuality. Up until my father’s death I was so protected that I couldn’t go anywhere without him. For a homophobe this seems like the perfect setting to ‘avoid’ homosexuality. In reality, I’ve always been a Lesbian.

I had a normal childhood; I was over-protected, had a few friends and my life consisted of school and family. Up until the age of thirteen I had no idea what homosexuality was; I didn’t know that staring at your female schoolmate day in and day out and thinking to yourself that she’s absolutely gorgeous was that big of a deal. Even after the denial that went on for years and years, boy crushes here and there; none of them going far enough for me to act on the crush because I secretly didn’t want to.

At Fifteen, I was an internet junky who had many friends from the U.S and Canada, I spent a lot of time talking to them. Believe it or not, they saved me many times! We had a group chat one time and my best friend admitted being bisexual, seeing how my other friends reacted made me believe that it was okay to admit that I was bisexual as well. (Note: That is up until I came to terms with it and finally admitted that I am in fact a lesbian.)

Up until eighteen, my life was normal, had a few long distance relationships, although none of them were ever with men.  One of my relationships had even lasted for a year. I had gotten a job (but later quit because the pay was terrible) and I was on my way to getting another one which my neighbor had informed me of. The owner of a DVD Rental place, he had needed someone to take care of the shop while he worked.

When my first day started, my boss said I had to sell some porn DVDs on the side. I was depressed of having my girlfriend live on the opposite side of the world and I wanted so badly move out, but needed the money. I thought ‘what the heck? It’s not like he is asking you to sell coke or pot.’ By the end of a very long day, after several horror movies and no customers, he had returned to the shop. He started rambling about a woman he saw at the bank and how turned on he was by her. He then said “You’re going to have to see if the DVDs are working fine. You should skip through them though, because they are all copies.” I was a little confused but I went along with it, the guy was married and I still wanted to believe that there were decent people out there.

So he popped in the first movie and started watching, I skipped so quickly through it that we couldn’t see what was happening, and so he asked me to go slower. I stopped at a lesbian scene, he commented on it by saying that he hated lesbians. He then skipped to a blowjob scene and started watching.  He continued on and said that blowjobs are the best moment for a girl. I was thinking, ‘you’re kidding, right?’ I wasn’t sure whether I was offended by his homophobia or disgusted by him.

He started asking about my personal life and my sexuality; he was surprised that I wasn’t turned on by what he was making me watch. I was about to leave, it was obvious that I didn’t want to hear or see any of it but he wasn’t getting the hint. My only thoughts were that I needed this job, so I told myself to deal with it. After a couple of minutes, I realized that he was jerking off to the video and my breaking point came along. I grabbed my bag and my phone and was almost at the door when he apologized. I said it was alright but I haven’t stepped back into the shop or seen him ever since.

When I got home, I knew that I couldn’t mention the details to my mother or anyone in the family. My mother and I were alone after dad’s death and knowing her and how stubborn she is, it would cause a lot of trouble to tell her. He was a bodybuilder type of man and she’s a thin, sixty year old woman. What if things got messy? I knew I could handle it but she wouldn’t be able to. All anyone heard from me was about the porn DVDs.

A few years had gone by, I was still looking for a job that was close to where I lived and had good pay. I finally had gotten one, it was a few months after I started my blog and it took up a good portion of my time but I loved it. I was doing something I loved to do. Except, as I got to know my coworkers my opinion changed. The racism that they showed every time an African customer walked into the shop and the gossiping they did about every customer who walked out was topped off by homophobia. I heard homophobic jokes and remarks about men, and their extremely inappropriate comments about transgendered customers. I even heard a few about lesbians just because a female customer felt more at ease working with one of the girls than one of the boys. It was a never-ending bowl of crap that I tried to shrug off and smile about, but after five months I was done. I was over-worked; I started hating what I did even though it used to be my favorite hobby. I was physically sick and was just about done with everyone in the whole country of homophobes that I am surrounded by, So I quit. Now, I have no job and no money saved up to leave, but anything is better than listening to a bunch of homophobic comments and dealing with perverts.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or any sort of attention. I decided to write this in detail to show every homophobe out there (and maybe Mohamad Sibai if he ever bothers checking what is being said about him) that we’re NOT the cause of immorality and corruption. All I want at this point is a job from home or a job where I know I won’t have to deal with homophobes or perverts. I want to have a good paycheck that will help me be with the girl I want to marry; and to be away from all of this. I wasn’t asking for much and I still am not. I’m no different from any of you. I have a normal life and I just want a future with a family of my own. So why do I have to listen to all that crap? What have I done so wrong that you wouldn’t let me be happy?

Lebanon Rebel.

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